How to Love
I have met myself many times. There were years I did not bother looking in the mirror. The one thing that I always saw in myself when I did was the passion in my eyes. The same passion that was held inside throughout my entire life.
However, I spent most of my life being sad. I spent it in a state of darkness and holding onto control. When I would wake up, I would have rather stayed asleep. It took every ounce of my energy to maneuver through the day and by the time I went to sleep, nothing had caused even a slight smile or a conscious thought of delight.
The reason for all this was a simple explanation in which I spent years of my life trying to decipher. I thought it was the layers upon layers of self-doubt, or lack of external love. The answer was simple – I was afraid. I was afraid to feel anything other than sadness and gloomy days. I was not prepared to sit with myself and find a way to manage my feelings so they would be productive for me instead of working me into an even more deep pit.
I looked everywhere but inside for answers. I sought out everyone to try to fix me. I threw myself into destructive pastimes and spent time with those who refused to love me. I let emptiness rule my life and dictate my behaviors. I allowed those who did love me to fall out of my life because If someone got too close, they may see the fearful monster who was lurking inside me.
When you act from fear, there is no love. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I feared someone wouldn’t love me – so no one did. I feared that I wouldn’t be enough for society – so I wasn’t. When you cannot love yourself, all you do is attract what you believe. When you think negatively, not only do you attract more negative experiences externally, but you grab onto any other negative thought you can possibly muster and suddenly your life is an internal haunted house.
Bringing light into your life shouldn’t be difficult, but it is. We are bombarded by the idea that we must be perfect from a very young age. We watch our parents struggle, we watch movies where the only cast is thin, blonde, and never aging. There is nothing easy about living up to society’s standards. They were set by people who wanted power, and thanks to the media and big business, they have more power than ever.
We are now all working towards something that we don’t know what it is because the media has told us that when we reach a certain standard, we will be happy. But, is anyone, actually? Not really.
Money cannot make you happy. Objects cannot make you happy. Addictions cannot make you happy. Only love, and I’m talking unconditional self-love and unconditional love for everyone – is the answer to true joy.